|
tcsurf01
|
read my profile
sign my guestbook
Name: cameron
Country: United States
State: Hawaii
Metro: Honolulu
Gender: Male
Interests: making people laugh and keeping people entertained
Expertise: i try to be an expert in everything i do. it's a work in progress. LOL
Occupation: Customer service/support
Industry: Business
Message: message meEmail: email me
Member Since:
12/28/2003
|
|
| i wish i could say that with each new day comes more clarity to the situation. but no, i dunno that i get more clarity. or maybe i'm just ignoring the things i don't want to see. maybe i'm still hoping for more than i'm supposed to. i try to not hope. i try to not want. but how can you not? i force myself to open my eyes and see the other possibilities that lie around me. but as of yet, i'm still not able. i know it's difficult to do. but where there's a will there's a way, right? and i have the will, the way must be somewhere around. i guess what i'm wondering now is, do i have what it takes? i'm determined. i believe i can do it. i know there'll be some heartache, and maybe even tears. but i guess i have to believe that in the end it'll be worth it. or maybe what i really want to happen will, if i just hang on long enough. sigh. don't you sometimes wish you just didn't feel? just for a brief second. oh well. just deal. one day at a time.
| | |
| i first started this journal when i was beginning to deal with coming out and coming to terms with my sexuality. this journal gave me an outlet to just let things out. at least that's what i remember about the start of this journal. it started out ambiguous and gradually got to the point where i was talking about things without a gender censor.
as i wrote here, i often imagined that i was something like Carrie Bradshaw writing an article that was supposed to help someone else when they read this. whether i succeeded in helping anyone with the words i printed here remains a mystery, and whether anyone reads these xanga posts anymore is an even bigger mystery. but after a year of not posting anything, i think it's time to do a little more of it.
as my last journal alluded to i've been very bothered by a particular subject. i don't want to get into specifics, and i never name names here, but it involved a boy. i keep looking back and wondering how it is that i got so worked up over this boy. i keep wondering what was it about him that made me go so ga ga for him. it started out innocently enough with me thinking he was this cute boy at work, and wishing i could get closer to him, but never really being able. but then one day he talked to me, and from then on we talked more. perhaps that's what lead me to this rather depressing place. and sitting here, i can't help but wonder, would it have been better to have not walked down this path?
the past few months i've been so very focused on him. trying to figure him out. trying to get a read as to what it is he wants from me. a friendship? a secret desire for something more? or am i just a means to cheap travel? i've gotten so wrapped up in it that i could barely focus on anything else. for some reason the thought of not thinking about him seemed a dishonor to him. but why? i would like to say it was because thinking about him made me happy, but clearly, if that were the case i wouldn't be so unhappy with things. so why was i so wrapped up in it? was it simply because the possibility that something more could happen presented itself? i wish i knew.
focusing so deeply on this boy kept me from seeing the bigger picture. i got so wrapped up in thinking about him and focusing on him, that i started to lose interest in the everyday things i used to enjoy. and every time that i'm apart from him those things mean something again. but the moment i get close again, i find myself at square one. a part of me wants to just keep the friendship going, but i think the smarter part of me knows that it's just going to be too hard. at least until i've moved on. really moved on. but like the boy i once felt so strongly for in college, moving on is the hardest thing, because their friendship feels so closely tied to these emotions. it even feels like the whole reason you're friends is because of how you feel right now. and without these feelings, will you want to be friends with them? the hopeful or maybe romantic part of me says that yes, in the end, if nothing else the friendship can win out. the realist in me says, once you move forward with this, there is no going back. both of those ideas help to deal with this, but which one do i want?
at this point i know in my heart that i must move on. but there's still that tiny part of me that wants to hold on. i just don't want to let go too soon. but when is too soon?
tomorrow the boy will be at work again. and i'll see if the weirdness i think i've been feeling is all in my head, or if there's something to the other worries i've been having this past weekend.
i'll end this journal here. confused and wishing for clarity, but not sure i want it.
| | |
| hello virtual world.
it's been over a year since i last posted anything on here. i guess in that time there really hasn't been anything to post. there have been very interesting trips i've been on, new friends and of course dramas at work. but with the advent of myspace and facebook, i guess this weblog sort of got forgotten.
i'm back again today, i guess to just get things off my chest that have been building up. i'm very mixed up about the whole matter and while i doubt this will offer any closure, hopefully it help get the thoughts out of my head so that i can begin to focus on things again. if you haven't already guessed this is probably about a boy. which for me is kind of strange. being the jaded person i was trying to become, i vowed to never let a boy get me down, or to be at the mercy of someone else. yet here i am, struggling with my feelings and emotions on the subject. and i've been on this roller coaster ride for sometime now. my heart says to keep the feelings and just enjoy whatever comes, while my head says to cut and run. the whole matter is too confusing and i just can't figure it out. the head and heart rarely agree on things, and on this one they are definitely very divided. it's in times like these i wish feelings had a switch and u could just flip the switch and ok, don't like that boy anymore. but that would be too easy i guess.
i guess the bottom line of all of this is just can't figure it out, and there's a part of me that's not sure that i want to. which really adds to the confusion. as confusing as this whole ordeal is, part of me isn't sure i want to get to the solution. i'm not sure that i want to know for sure which way this boy swings, and whether or not i stand a chance. i guess there's something to be hopeful for when u don't know for sure. as much as it might tear you apart inside, dreaming keeps you going. and maybe i just don't have the experience of it, but what happens when your dreams come true? are you as happy as the fairy tales would have us believe, or are you instead left wanting more, or worse wanting something different?
i think that's an answer that can only come with time and age.
right now though, i'm worrying not just about the ambiguity of the situation, but also that things are suddenly different. i feel like this past weekend we got a little closer. but at the same time, i'm worried that while we did get a little closer, it might have been too close for him, and now he's going to keep me at bay. i'm worried that now instead of being closer friends, there's going to be a space. but having not really spoken to him in a few days it's hard to know for sure. and again, while i'd like to know for sure that we will be closer or at least the same, the fear is that we won't. and while i'd like to know, i'm worried that my fears will be what's come true.
i know that i shouldn't allow myself to feel this way about this. i know that shouldn't be so worked up about something, especially this. there's more to it than what's written here, and that's what makes me feel like a fool for feeling this way as well. i guess i always thought i was stronger than this, but i guess no one is stronger than love, or whatever this is.
well, that's my rant and rave. hopefully this week my hopes will be proven, not my fears. optimistically looking toward the future.
| | |
| it's been like three months and i haven't made an entry. it's now
315am monday morning. i need to be at work at 11 tomorrow
morning. i should probably be sleeping so i'm not cranky, cause i
get cranky easily these days, but sadly i'm up, writing an entry on
xanga. and the sad thing is i have nothing to write about.
for better or worse, i feel as though, i'm in that rut. some of
us call it the "real world" but i just call it a rut. and while i
have the desire for something more, i'm sort of finding a bit of
contentness in the rut. which at the same time is sort of
depressing to think that u're settling into the rut.
but nothing seems new here anymore. part of it might be the fact
that i live on an island in the middle of the pacific island, or maybe
it's also the mentality of people here. its hard to really
explain, but it just doesn't seem like i meet very colorful characters
here. well, aside from the crazy people i call my friends.
=D you would think their insanity would be enough to satisfy me,
but i dunno i'm left wanting more. only a crazier person would
say that they wanted more insanity in my life, but after listening to
my friend from la's problems over the past month, i can't help but
remember how much fun it was in la. granted it was sometimes a
dramatic trip, but at least there was something going on.
i dunno, i think i'm just bored at the moment. i need to find
something new. something to interest me. i need to find
myself a man! =D well, that might not solve as many
problems as i think, but it'll at least add a little spice to
life. well, i guess i should stop being a lazy old fart and start
going out again and meeting people. maybe then this rut would
come to an end. guess it's just time to step it up.
| | |
| so i made it through training. it was a long arduous journey, but along with 33 others suvived the rigorous training class. together we now have a new appreciation for what flight attendants do. and yes it's more than just serving juice and a meal.
through this all, i've made a lot of new friends in the class. many of whom i feel really blessed to know right now. they're a great group of people and i feel really close to them all. i guess the six weeks in such close confines kind of does that to you. plus, we all shared a very similar experience through it all, and we helped each other out.
i really don't know what else to say about that. but yea, thats' pretty much the update of my life right now. job is up. boy drama going back up now that training is done. :* yikes. hehehe.
well, that's all. take care.
| | |
|
